"We are wet with no regret!"
We have born children and climbed the bladder of success in raising them to be responsible adults! Forget your tea party politics. It is time to sign up for the Pee Party and proudly wear your translucent yellow ribbon, preferably somewhere north of your waist!
No longer must we hide behind a cloak of shame. Step out into the golden sunlight and say it with me:
"We spritz, therefore we are!"
We did our duty as women and the result is a natural ability to leave moisture wherever we go. Call us Damp Yankees, if you will! We will no longer be silent.
We have needs. They are simple. Much more simple than the complexities of the lives we lead trying to scootch out backwards from a room when we sneeze or walk like we are holding a pencil between our thighs to the nearest restroom.
"We are chic, even when we leak!"
Here's the thing. Sprinkling comes as easily to us as sneezing does to most people. When someone sneezes, the reaction is automatically, "God bless you!" or "Gezundheit! (Good health!)" and they might even hand you a napkin.
But when you dribble, the reaction comes in the form of shrinking away and either repulsion, or thinking to themselves, "Oh, my word, I hope that never happens to me!"
And it's time for the shame to stop. We must unite. We must stand proud . . . or croutch . . . or hold our legs tightly together and think of the desert. But we must do it with a united front. And rear.
We have Whoopie Goldberg and Kirstie Alley on our side! They are strong women with weak bladders at the helm of our movement, navigating us out of the rough . . . waters . . . be right back!
Here is our modest proposal:
- Restrooms in every department of every story—grocery, big box, department, boutique, thrift, consignment and convenience.
- Making locked restrooms illegal. Waiting for someone to locate a key is completely insane. THERE IS NO TIME!
- Free wet wipes and Depends in every women's restroom.
- A celebratory high-five from a kindred spirit whenever nature won't wait.
A new friend on twitter, Eliza Nevin @EtotheNev "Lying in bed, playing chicken with my bladder. I don't waaaaaant to get uuuuuuuuup. #grownup #whiner
I could not have said it any better!