No matter how hurt, disillusioned, distraught, angry, bitter or vengeful you feel, never, ever, ever, ever do any of these.
Please, whatever you do, no matter how bad life gets, don't do any of these childish theatrical drama queen tactics. They are beneath you. I just wish they had been beneath me.
- Don't make up a profile on a singles site for Big, Beautiful Women, no matter how often he told you how fat you were. Don't put in false data about him, compare him to some hot celebrity, and definitely, do not put in his home and cell phone number and announce that he loves 2 AM bootie calls.
- Do not order brochures for hair loss remedies, hemorrhoid creams Viagara, middle-aged spread, or halitosis and have them sent to his home. Do not give them his email or home and cell numbers. Do not say how desperate he is for self-improvement.
- Do not run an ad in every local newspaper, Pennysaver, and grocery store bulletin board announcing his garage sale. When you don't do this, make sure to not put in that he is up at the crack of dawn and welcomes early birds, beginning at 4 AM. Also, do not put in that you have a love seat for sale.
- Do not have a male friend call into the radio station and have them dedicate a powerful metal love ballad to you from him. Do not add a note that he cannot live without you and will hang himself if you don't call within the next 10 minutes. Don't, whatever you do, make him sound desperate.
- Do not place a notice at the local library inviting all lonely women to the inaugural meeting romance book club. Do not give them his address or directions to his house. Do not ask them to wear a red rose in their hair.
- Do not write in some elaborate story about horrendous abuses so heinous that famous talk show hosts will be tripping over themselves to get him on their show. And, again, do not give them his home, cell, or work number.
- Do not have some friend with an authoritative voice call his employer and ask whether or not he is there at the moment, dancing around the reason of the phone call and the possible felony charges that he may or may not be charged with.
- Do not disguise your voice as a cheap floozy and call his employer 20 times a day asking for Love Muffins, Boopsie, Sugar Toes or Studly. Do not borrow several toddlers and have them fuss in the background.
- Do not send envelopes you've printed up with "Men in Kilts Quarterly" and "Renewal Notice" typed boldly on the front. Also, do not send a postcard asking if he is still having fantasies about the mail delivery person.
- Do not print an awful picture of his face and make up a WANTED poster with it and hang it in the local post office. When you don't do this, make sure to leave off your fingerprints.
- Do not call his mother and disguise your voice. When she answers, do not tell her that you are looking for him to collect a gambling debt. Do not sound like a mobster when you don't make this call.
- Do not put his phone number on the bathroom stalls of all the local bars with the words, "desperately seeking someone to hold my hand as I walk through this wretched life" and do not sign it with his real name.
Please, whatever you do, no matter how bad life gets, don't do any of these childish theatrical drama queen tactics. They are beneath you. I just wish they had been beneath me.